THAT "WORD" THAT NO ONE WANTS TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH WAS SPOKEN TO ME TODAY! MY NAME WAS ATTACHED TO THAT DREADFUL "WORD!!!" WHEN THIS "WORD" WAS ANNOUNCED IN MY RIGHT EAR, THROUGH MY PINK, SPRINT, CELL-PHONE, WITH MY NAME IN REFERENCE
INSTANTLY, YET IN SLOW-MOTION, WILD NEGATIVE EMOTIONS RACED THROUGH MY SOUL--- FOREIGN, POWERLESS, FEARFUL, DISBELIEF, DIRTY, SHAME, WEAK, UGLE, LESS-THAN, UNWORTHY, DIFFERENT, SHOCK, HELPLESS, CONTROLLED, NEEDY, SHY, DETACHED, VICTIM, VULNERABLE, VIOLATED, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, AFRAID, PITIFUL, NAIVE, LOST, LONELY, CONFUSED, FROOZEN, BROKEN,TIMID, DISEASED, ODD, LIMITED ,GUILTY, UNPLUGED ETC., ETC., ETC, . . . ALL THE WHILE COMPLETELY SURROUNDED IN CONSTANT LOVE OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS. . .HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? MY MIND RACING, I FIND IT HARD TO STAY FOCUSED. FEELING LIKE I SHOULD THINK, THINK, THINK!!! YET, SOMEHOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK! IM AFRAID TOOOOO THINK! I DON'T KNOW WHAT OR HOW I SHOULD FEEL!!! I FEEL AS THOU I'M VIEWING MYSELF AS THE 3RD PERSON! AS THOU THIS ISN'T ME, THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME! THIS DREADFUL WORD ATTACKS OTHERS; NOT ME! I ASK MYSELF WILL I EVER FEEL NORMAL AGAIN? WILL I EVER FEEL LIKE ME AGAIN? WILL I EVER FEEL WHOLE AGAIN? WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO SMILE A REAL
S M I L E AGAIN? WILL I EVER FEEL PEACE IN MY HEART AGAIN? HOW MANY TOMORROWS DO I HAVE LEFT? WHATS MOST IMPORTANT TODAY? WHAT SHOULD I EXPRESS? WHAT SHOULD I FEEL? WHAT DO I NEED TO GET DONE? THEEEEEEEE POWER OF THAT DREADFUL "WORD"!!! THE POWER OF 1 WORD!!! WHO KNEW 1 WORD COULD CHANGE A PERSON'S WORLD IN A SPLIT SECOND!!! T H A T D R E A D F U L W O R D S P E L L E D ------------ "C A N C E R" HAS TURNED MY LIFE INTO A WORLD OF COMPLETE "U N K N O W N !" WHO KNEW THAT TODAY WOULD CHANGE MY WHOLE WORLD? I NEVER SAW IT COMING!!! HOW DO I PICK UP THE PIECES OF MY BROKEN SELF? WHERE WILL I ARRIVE AT ON THIS FOREIGN JOURNEY? W O W!, THE POWER OF 1 DREADFUL WORD!!! LOST, LONELY & UTTERLY B R O K E N . . .
Reminiscing
5 years ago
3 comments:
In all honestly, I see you as an independant, inspirational and courageous woman. To know how one word could affect a strong willed person such as yourself and then to also witness the strength and courage you have upheld throughout the day is amazing. I don't think anyone can understand what you are going through unless they too have been through the same thing or something similar. I know that as a mother it is important to show your children you are brave, strong and faithful regardless what your true feelings may be and I commend you for doing that. You held it together probably more than some of your kids, which I guarantee helped them cope with the situation as I could see the news had broken them down. No one wants to hear that someone they sincerely love and look up to has cancer. I can't comprehend the emotions/fellings that you may be having or the thoughts that are running through your mind, but I do know that with a family so closely bonded as yours and as faithful as yours everything will honestly be okay although it may not seem like it at the moment!! Love you so much and thanks for all you do and all that you have taught me:) I am a better mother, wife, sister, friend..ect because of the lessons I have learned through your examples and service you have shown towards others.
Mommy I love you and have pure faith that all is going to be ok. I'm sorry that this had to happen to you of all people, and I'm sure many people wonder the same thing. But I know the Lord is mindful of all the things you are capable of handling and he knows you can prevail with this trial. It feels like a trial for all of us too tho. I mean you really are the glue that holds our family together and I can't imagine life without u! I love you and am grateful for you, and know you will fight that ugly disease CANCER! We can do it mama :) Love u!
Awwww Connie I don't see you any different! Your still a beautiful, amazing, and strong mother (I mean I bet it's tough having Dianna as a daughter! aha) But You will get through this especailly with all the love and support you have from your family! && Pulu's family is here for you as well! Love you Connie(:
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